The Breakup That Didn’t Break Me

Where do I begin? 6 months ago my life completely changed. I was blindsided by a devastating breakup. 

We had been dating for 2 years. I was in love. SO in love. Beyond any measure of anything I had ever felt before in my life. I believed in US. I believed in our partnership, our romantic love story (including how me met- which was totally fate), our respect and admiration for one another, our unbelievable connection, our shared love for music (it was often how we communicated feelings beyond words), our ability to pick one another up when one was going through a tough time…and we went through tough times together (our divorces happened simultaneously). I loved his children as if they were my own. I imagined a life together. People loved us; they loved our story; many that knew him said I was an angel and saved him. Women reached out to me and said, your relationship renews my faith that good guys are actually out there! He made me believe we would have a life together. I thought the bond we shared could never be broken. I never thought this would happen…

I never saw it coming. Were there doubts, sure..he had expressed them to me toward the end of the relationship. It all happened when things got serious about me moving to Georgia (for those of you who don’t know, I live in FL, he lives in GA but works here in FL and was down here often). I had always wanted to move to Atlanta…way before I ever met him. It’s a place I’ve always been drawn to. He said from the very beginning of our relationship, “We need to get you up here.” And I believed it. He would say things to me like, “I need my partner in life up here now.” He would send me songs about “one way tickets” and “I just need you now.” So I believed. And I wanted it, from every part of my soul, I did. 

My ex husband, the father of my son, had expressed interest in leaving south FL. So did my parents. So it all seemed like this was going to happen. I began making arrangements; I put my feelers out for jobs in the area D lived. I put my career and my name on the line, and things started to happen…I was getting interviews! One job was almost a shoe-in and a HUGE pay increase for me. Yet, when that started panning out last March, he began backing away ever so slightly. Not enough for me to notice though until it was too late (hindsight- gotta love that it’s always 20/20). My son’s father also started backing away from the idea of moving and it ended up becoming a legal battle. I spent every last dime, as a single mom struggling, on my attorney to move; I believed I was getting the job; I believed it was the right move for myself and my son; and I believed the man I loved was on board with all of it. D never once stopped me…he never said he was getting cold feet. Or that there was someone else. Or any of it. He continued to let me fight this battle. For us, or for what I “thought” was us. He never once offered to help. Not with helping me move, or financially, or any of it. Huge red flag, I know, but I was already in deep because of the empty promises and empty words I had already believed. 

Things were different between D and I right around the end of March. I remember it clearly. The last “good” weekend we spent together was the weekend of March 19th. We had the best time. So in love. It was a few days before my big interview….

So, I didn’t get the job. Which was a huge blow for me, as this had been a position I had been waiting for for months. I thought for sure it would happen. I now know it was divine intervention, the Universe/God— whatever you believe in— was SCREAMING at me…DO NOT GO! And yet I continued to pursue the move regardless.

And that’s when everything shifted. Majorly. D had told me he would come down for Easter. He found an excuse not to.  We were supposed to have a romantic weekend in April, he suddenly “got sick” and couldn’t come down. Which was strange because he had just been sick 2 weeks before. When he finally did come down, things were (what I thought) great, but he was a bit distant. He had told me back in March, for my 40th bday, that he was going to fly me to Atlanta for a weekend so I could see him and my bestie that lives there. I asked him this weekend, in mid-April, if we could plan it for May. He said no. And gave some weak reasons. A weird feeling came over me but I brushed it aside. One thing I have learned from all of this…TRUST YOUR GUT! There was obviously something going on.

The final weekend I saw him was the last weekend in April. Again, he was a bit distant. And not to give TMI but the very last time we made love he performed a new move in bed..which I loved and didn’t think anything about it at the time. Again, I had full trust and faith in this man. I never ever thought he would cheat on me. 

He left and it was the last time I saw him. May 1st. We had some intense conversations over the next week and I was getting the sense that he didn’t want me to move up there. But when I confronted him, he denied that. I wasn’t moving in with him either. He even said, “Babe, I almost just bought the house YOU loved.” Again, making me believe false hopes…

On Mother’s Day he didn’t even call me. I got a weird facebook post and some text messages. When I called him out on it, he broke up with me. Wait, WHAT?! Broke up with me…said he wasn’t the man I deserved and that we hadn’t progressed in a year. WHAT? He said he needed a break, then said no, I just need to move on. I asked if there was someone else and he said no. 

I laid on my floor barely able to move. How could this be happening? What the HELL just happened? This is the love of my life!! I was moving there! I loved his children! I loved him! Our relationship was so incredible! My FAMILY was moving there! I just spent every last dime I had on attorneys to make this happen! What is HAPPENING???!!

And I laid there and cried. And cried and cried and cried as if someone had literally just ripped my heart out of my chest. I ripped the photos of us, the family photos we had taken with our children, the sweet romantic cards he wrote me, into shreds. How could you do this to US?! I shouted it over and over. I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare. Please wake up, please wake up and let this all be just a dream.

Fast forward a week. I am barely able to function. I can’t eat, I sleep but I’m awoken by horrible night sweats. I somehow make it to work each day. I’m struggling to even stay upright. Family and friends are keeping me sane; talking to me all hours of the night, sending flowers, making me dinner. How is this even happening, I ask myself. This can’t be real.

So I asked God/Universe for a sign. D and I were musically so connected. We had Spotify playlists for each other and sent each other song dedications weekly. It was how we communicated our love on another level. I was able to look at his Spotify and see what he was listening to. So I checked, wondering if he was listening to any songs we had shared…or any sign that he may be missing me. What I found instead was a sexual, explicit Spotify playlist between him and someone else. It was made 4 days after we broke up. I was able to look up this girl in about 2 seconds. Amazing how when you’re not even looking for it, it’s right in front of your eyes. She’s married. 29 years old (D & I  are both 40). Started working at his gym in March. And now it’s all starting to make sense.

I’m not going to elaborate more on that because it’s not even worth mentioning in this post. I will say however, he denied cheating on me with her. Yeah, OK. 

The past 6 months have been a huge awakening for me. Not only did I struggle with this breakup, but there were numerous other things that happened in my life that were unbelievably challenging. I went through major financial struggles, my ex got sick and I had my son full time, and my son got sick and was in the hospital. There were so many days that I said, THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING. THIS CAN’T BE MY LIFE. But I would say to myself, THIS WILL NOT BREAK ME.

I remember sitting in the emergency room, alone with my son, praying they could get his IV in for the 8th time. He was screaming and I was praying to God, please…I cannot take any more. Tears were streaming down my face, and I was alone. ALONE. At 3 am with a child who was having trouble breathing. I remember saying to myself, YOU HAVE TO BE BRAVE. YOU can do this, you are a warrior mama. And I was. That night and every damn day forward.

But yet, I have struggled. I have been heartbroken by the one person I thought would never do this. I have survived some MAJOR stuff on my OWN (but also with the guidance of my amazing friends and family). I am better than OK. I am a warrior. I have fought some MAJOR battles in the last 6 months (some even too personal to get into on this post). And it has only made me stronger.

I remember D asking me the first day we met, ‘Do you believe everything happens for a reason?” And I said yes. More than EVER do I believe that now…

In the past few months here are the amazing things that have happened:

*I got an incredible new job…a huge opportunity for me that would not have happened had I moved to Atlanta

*My son’s father has made major changes in his life and has become a better father

*I am much better off financially

*My personal styling business (which is my side job and passion) has completely taken off…I would have never had that in Atlanta

*I am in the best shape of my life thanks to BBG and a commitment to fitness

*I have a new meditation and yoga practice, which has helped guide me through so much!

*I am on a mission to help others; whether it be through fashion, teaching, charity, relationships, etc…

*I have learned how to love myself and how to be OK with being on my own (single girl swag!)

I will leave you all with this…life can change; things happen beyond your control.. Life is what happens when all the “what ifs” don’t. Everything DEFINITELY happens for a reason- don’t ever doubt that. When you feel something is off, TRUST YOUR GUT. And don’t ever settle for ANYTHING less than what you deserve. And I do believe that there are amazing guys out there! Never, ever settle. 

Find yourself. True love is within yourself. Make peace with the things that have hurt you. Let that SHIT GO girl. Forgive. And trust the Universe/God. You will see things change right in front of your very eyes. And you will get everything your heart desires and everything that was meant for you.

XOXO,

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